Wedding March of the Penguins

Years ago, on a sunny Sunday antiques outing with my father, we had a conversation that went like this:

Pop:  Your mother and I watched National Geographic last night.  It was about penguins.  Did you know that they mate for life, and they work together to raise their family?

Me:  No, I didn't know that.  Wow.  Didn't know any animals mated for life.

Pop:  Yeah, they do.  The male and female are like a team and they trade off taking care of the babies and each other.

Me:  Aww.  That's sweet.

[Insert long pause that led me to believe the discussion was over.]

Pop:  Miss (his nickname for me), I think it's time you found your penguin.  You've been alone long enough.  The kids are grown, and grandkids are coming.  It's time for you now.

Me:  [fighting back tears] Thanks, Pop.  You're right.

If you knew my father, you'd be amazed at the depth of thought, feeling and courage it took for him to have this conversation with his "little girl."  He rarely spoke about personal things; almost all of our conversations revolved around a TV show he saw, a carpentry project he started, or a treasure he found at a yard sale.  

Pop knew what he was talking about.  I was divorced at a very young age, with a toddler and an infant in tow, and I spent about 25 years raising them, putting myself through college and grad school, and starting a career.  I hadn't dated very much at all (didn't want the kids to get attached if it didn't work out), and I wanted to prove to myself that I could be a financially, emotionally and socially independent woman.  I decided that when and if I found a partner, it would be out of want and not out of need.

Long story short, I threw myself into the dating world...and met a lot of frogs.  A. LOT.  Went on first dates with some of them.  But on a beautiful, sunny, April afternoon, I met VK for an early supper.  He asked a lot of questions because he was interested in knowing more about me.  We shared common childhood experiences and laughed a lot.  We definitely clicked.  At the end of our date, VK leaned in and whispered, "I've had a wonderful time and I'd like to take you out again."  I said that I would love to, and in his excitement, VK gestured broadly and sent a full glass of ice water across the table and into my lap.  He took a small beverage napkin, began mopping up the tsunami and asked, "Did I get 'ya?"  I burst out laughing and so did he.  And after all that, I still went on that second date with him.  And a third.  Four years later, he still takes me out on a date every week.

I have found my penguin.  Aside from my father, VK is the best man I've ever known.  We are truly partners in every sense of the word.  We take care of each other.  We support each other.  We make each other laugh until we snort.  We accept each other as-is.  I've never been happier.  And even though my father no longer lives in his physical body, I know he's up there somewhere cheering for us and relieved that I took his advice.  For once.  (LOL) 

VK and I are getting married on the 4th of July, and I'm as excited and giddy as a young bride.  I get to wear a beautiful dress, he'll look handsome in his new black suit, and the ceremony and reception will be wonderful and memorable.  Our loved ones are over-the-moon excited for us and fully endorse the blending of our two wacky families.  Life is so damn good.

I hope you have found your penguin.  If not, please don't give up hope.  Keep the faith and keep looking.  If your search is out of want (and not out of need), then your penguin could be just around the corner, ready to partner with you for life. 

(c) Robyn M. Posson 2013. All Rights Reserved.

"Look like something when you go someplace."

The title above refers to one of my late father's many pearls of wisdom, and it would always make my brothers and I scratch our heads.  What did he mean by that?  He said it a lot.  A. lot.

When I got older, I came to understand that it was Pop's way of saying, "You look like a bum. Go change your clothes if you're leaving the house."  If Pop thought that my outfit was inappropriate for my age, he'd say so.  I hated that.  (What 14 year old wouldn't?)  But he knew what he was talking about.  He wanted me to be presentable in public because first impressions are difficult to change.  Presenting an accurate message about who you are is important. 

First impressions are lasting impressions. 

To prove my point, after doing empirical research about the power of what we wear and how others judge us, Prof. Karen Pine and colleagues conclude, "Clothes say a great deal about who we are and can signal our social status to others...People are judged on their overall head-to-toe appearance, and the fundamental role that [clothing] style plays in creating a positive first-impression cannot be underestimated." 

Amy Trowbridge agrees:  "Because of the symbolic nature of clothing, it is the message of the clothing that is reacted to rather than the actual clothing object."

What are her credentials?

Example:  I am bothered by the amount of cleavage I see every day at work.  Too many to count, but they're everywhere.  In my classroom, my office, the cafeteria, at committee meetings.  Thin little shirts cut down-to-there, sometimes with a camisole that does little to hide the decolletage.  It's pretty hard to miss and is quite distracting.  I often wonder if these young women believe that intentionally exposing themselves in this way is conveying an accurate portrayal of how they would like to be thought of, respected and treated.

I try not to judge how people dress.  Really I do.  I'm a staunch believer in self-expression.  But when did it become okay to show everything you've got in a public place?  What does choice of attire say about the woman who's wearing a low-cut shirt to campus or work?  Will she be taken seriously?  Is she conveying her exceptional math and science skills, critical analysis capabilities, or exemplary verbal and cognitive skills to win a debate when she's showing off the "girls?" 

Umm, probably not.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm grateful to live in a country where women can wear anything they please, but I also understand that there are acceptable standards of clothing in every social environment.  [Think evening gown to an elegant event, and not to the market.]  Heck, I sometimes wear low-cut shirts with a cami for color myself...but not to work or in any other professional capacity.  There's a time and place for what we wear.

In a perfect world, all women would celebrate and show off their confidence, intelligence and self-respect...and not "the girls."

Save the cleavage for clubbing and hanging out with friends.  It has no place on a college campus or work environment.  (Starting to sound like my mother.  Yikes.)

And when I am next confronted with yet another pair of breastisiz, I promise to bite my tongue and refrain from saying, "Look like something when you go someplace."

(c) 2013 Robyn M. Posson.  All Rights Reserved.

A league of your own

Tal Bachman

Let's get one thing straight. There is no such thing as being "out of someone's league."

If you believe in this imaginary hierarchy, then your own insecurities make you a not-so-great romantic prospect. Johnny Castle in Dirty Dancing thought Baby was too good for him. Tal Bachman (above) sings about it.

No one wants to be around insecure people--except for other people who are equally or more insecure than you. Period.

Insecure people have insecure, unstable relationships. And taking a "let's wait and see" attitude will most likely lead to a missed opportunity to meet someone wonderful.

On the other hand, if you know you have some great qualities that a love-partner would appreciate, then pull up your Big Girl Panties or Big Boy Boxers and get crackin'.

If you’ve been crushing on someone lately, grow a backbone and strike up a conversation. For all you know, they consider you out of their league and are waiting for you to make the first move.

And if the worst thing that could happen is you being awkwardly friend-zoned or being shot down, I’d say it’s worth the risk. You gotta be in it to win it.

You are in league of your own. Find someone who wants to be in it with you.

Source: http://www.cm-life.com/2013/03/20/advice-column-stop-wishing-start-doing/

(c)2013 Robyn M. Posson All Rights Reserved.

I'm quoted!

I was recently interviewed for an article about how parents can help their unmarried adult children find love.

My knee-jerk reaction (in my head, anyway) was "Tell these parents to mind their own damn beeswax."

Of course, one simply cannot say such things for a national newspaper article, so I softened my response somewhat.  I think I got my point across. 

This link will take you to the article.  I'm interested what you think about the content. 

One more thing...it's SO freakin' cool to see your name in print.

(c) Robyn M. Posson 2013.  All Rights Reserved.

Nancy and Me

Photo:  Heather Meaney

Today, I had the once-in-a-lifetime pleasure to meet the Chancellor of the State University of New York, Dr. Nancy Zimpher.  She visited our campus to speak about SUNY's visions and the solid plans to execute them. 

Her name has been one on a short list of folks I've been eager to meet.

Imagine my surprise as I introduced myself to her, and she said, "Hi, I'm Nancy Zimpher."  "Pleased to meet you, Dr. Zimpher."  "Please...call me Nancy."

Whoa.  How great was that?

My mama always said that no matter what one's station in life, we all put our pants on one leg at a time.  But, hey...this is the Chancellor of SUNY.  And she wants me to call her Nancy.  

I spoke with Nancy for a few minutes on a topic about which I'm most passionate, and it was nice to learn we share that passion.  She asked me questions and was interested in what I had to say.  She even offered to help me pursue a work-related vision:  "Let me know what I can do to make this happen." 

I realize that I am only one of tens of thousands of SUNY employees and students she meets each year, but for that brief period of time, Nancy and I exchanged in meaningful discourse, and I am over-the-moon grateful for that opportunity.  I feel validated, appreciated and heard.

And as for her sincere offer to help?  I will most definitely take her up on it.

The way I see it...her actions speak volumes.  It's obvious that she considers herself as one of us on the SUNY team, and isn't tied to impressive titles or positions.  She treats people with kindness and respect, and makes them feel as important as she is.  Nancy Zimpher is a dynamic, passionate, down-to-earth and gracious leader, indeed.

QUESTION:  Have you ever met anyone famous or influential?  How did it go?

(c) 2013 Robyn M. Posson.  All Rights Reserved.

Restoring my faith

I stopped into a local Walmart yesterday afternoon to make a return.  There was a rather long line, and it took about 20 minutes.  As I approached my car in the parking lot, I noticed that someone had hit the driver's-side front quarter panel, bending it, leaving streaks of white and gouges with black paint in them.

Looks just like Trixie before her boo-boo.

Trixie (yes, I've named my car...she's a girly-girl with long black eyelashes) is the first car I ever bought outright with cash.  She's in immaculate shape, has low mileage (as far as Hondas are concerned), and I'm so proud to drive her around town.  She's a symbol of a wonderful and prosperous chapter of my life.

At first, my heart sank.   I looked on the windshield to see if the culprit had left me a note, but there was nothing there.  I took some pictures of the damage since the light was good.  I felt like I would cry. 

Why didn't that person who did the damage leave information and an apology...or come into the store to have me paged so we could exchange information?  That's what I would do.  I entertained thoughts of waivering faith in the goodness of the average person...if someone could hit my car and drive away with their conscience intact, then I'm living in a pretty sad world.

My sadness quickly morphed into annoyance and anger.  I approached the front-end supervisor and asked to speak to the head of Security or store manager, so we could at least look at the parking lot videos to see if we could come up with some kind of lead.  Her eyes lit up and said, "Is your car a silver Honda with eyelashes?  Two people witnessed your car being hit.  One of them yelled for the female driver to stop while the other wrote down the license plates and color of the car."

I couldn't believe my ears.  This kind of stuff never happens to me.  I'm usually the one being a responsible citizen.

The local police responded immediately.  The officer was polite, respectful and kind, and assured me that the other driver would be liable for the damages, which he estimated to be over $1000.  He invited me to stop at the station this morning to pick up the completed accident report.

According to the report, the 21-year-old daughter of the insured had been driving and considerable damage had been done to the entire right side of her father's car. She was ticketed for driving outside of a lane and leaving the scene of a property damage accident.  I hope these tickets (and consequences from her parents) will teach this young woman about proper social and personal responsibility.

The good citizens who got that vital information didn't leave their names or phone numbers.  I wish they had.  I would thank them profusely to affirm that they had done the right thing.  I'd even offer to take them to dinner.  I really appreciate that they didn't turn their cheek and chose to get involved.  I'd guess they would want someone to do that for them if the shoe was on the other foot.

Mostly, I'm grateful to them for reminding me that there really are good people in the world, and specifically in my neck of the woods.  If you're reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Trixie thanks you, too.

No Regrets.

Regret is a vicious and useless emotion.  It robs us of the ability to celebrate what’s going well today by keeping us stuck in a pattern of “woulda-coulda-shoulda.”  Ever heard the expression, “Hindsight is 20-20?”  That’s when we look back and re-evaluate at the decisions made in the past using the clarity, wisdom, maturity, and experience we have today.  It’s an unfair comparison which keeps us from becoming the best version of ourselves.

Here are five tips to prevent you from going down the slippery slope of regrets.  The suggestions are part of a process that will take some time to wrap your mind around, but the outcome will be well worth the efforts you make to improve how you view your past and how it has positively influenced your present life.

1. Forgive yourself for the decisions made and actions taken.  Tell yourself that you made the best decision possible given the information you had at the time.  You had no way of knowing what the future would hold, and you still don’t have that power.  Lighten up on your past self and think of these experiences as what has molded your present life. 
2. Think about those decisions and actions as learning opportunities.  Did you learn anything from them?  Of course, you did, because if you hadn’t gotten anything from the mistakes you made, you wouldn’t be able to look back with regret.  Remember that the only times we learn is when we fail.  Experience is our ally, not our enemy.   
3. If you don’t like where you’re at today because of past mistakes, focus your energy on that.   Think about the life lessons gained from your younger self.  You can’t change what’s already happened.  You can change what you do from here on.
4. Regrets about other people’s actions have no place in your vocabulary or your mind.  Why?  Because the only person who can decide how your life will move forward (or not) is you and only you.
5. Today is the day where you can choose to live regret-free.  Be conscious of your thought patterns, and when you hear those old negative thoughts pop up, challenge them with what you’re doing well today instead.

 Regrets are a waste of your precious time and energy.  Start working on making your life the best it can absolutely become.

Are you committed to living a regret-free life?

The Men Who Won't Marry You...Part One

I just love Samantha Daniels.  She's a professional matchmaker, and she has a lot of great dating advice on her Huffington Post column.  I read her blog entries regularly.  She makes a lot of sense.

One of her columns is titled, "10 Types of Men Who Won't Marry You."  That certainly caught my eye.  Here are the first five categories she recommends you steer clear of; my comments are in italics. 

1.  Mr. "Still Hung Up On His Ex": We have all been out with this guy. He says he is over his ex, yet at every turn, he talks about her and compares you to her. Please. He is not over her and until he is over her, he is not marrying you. 

Robyn:  Samantha's right.  If he's bad-mouthing her, then you can be certain that you would eventually be spoken about in that same disrespectful manner.  Trust me on this one.  Been there, done that.

2.  Mr. "I Am Not Ready For A Serious Relationship Right Now": This is the guy who dates a lot and then when he gets too close or decides he isn't interested in you, he uses the excuse that he's not ready. The question about this guy is this: Is he really not ready, or is that just a convenient excuse to dump you and avoid the commitment? 

Robyn:  I believe it's both.

3.  Mr. "Bigger Better Deal": You know this guy. He is the one who likes you a lot but is always wondering if there is a better version of you out there, somewhere in the universe. Honestly, do you need to be with the guy who is never going to think that you are good enough to marry? 

Robyn:  My question is, is HE good enough to marry?  I think not.

4.  Mr. "I Hang Out With Guys 15 Years My Junior": This is the guy who is 47 and a CEO of a company or a big-time executive and all of his contemporaries are married, so his BFFs are 25-year-olds and clubbing it. He is out until 3:00 a.m. several nights a week, looking to pick up and then he kids himself into thinking that when a 25-year-old girl says yes to a date with him, it's because he is such a good guy, not because she is dreaming of flying private. 

Robyn:  This is a huge red flag for me...if he can best relate to clubbing 25-year-olds, then he is emotionally 25 as well.  He feels so badly about himself that he has to pretend he's hipper and younger than his chronological age.  Bottom line?  Men worth marrying don't go to clubs to pick up young chippies.

5.  Mr. "Still Trying To Figure Out His Career": If he is 40-plus and having a midlife work crisis, believe me, he is not going to marry you. Men need to be settled in their careers or at least know which direction they are headed on the career front before they can settle down. 

Robyn:  I totally agree.  While women create their identities with the relationships they have, men define themselves by what they do and how much they make.  Until a man has that down pat, marriage is the farthest thing from his mind.

Have you ever dated men like these?

(c) 2013 Robyn M. Posson

The Men Who Won't Marry You: Part Deux

6.  Mr. "50-Something And Never Been Married": This guy is lurking everywhere. He is 50-plus and never married, yet he will swear to you that he is ready. When you ask him why he is still single, he will tell you it's because he hasn't met the right one. Then the question becomes that if he hasn't found her in the hundreds of women he has dated before you, what is going to make you so special that you are going to be his one? Probably nothing.  

Robyn:  Amen, Samantha!  In addition, I would question what's amiss with HIM that has made numerous women run for the hills?

7.  Mr. "Doesn't Believe In Monogamy": This guy thinks he is very avant-garde progressive, but most people will say he is just looking for an excuse to cheat. Do you really want to be with a guy who tells you upfront that he won't be faithful? 

Robyn:  I say HELL no.  You're much too fabulous to have share this little boy.

8.  Mr. "All About Me": This guy is all about himself, 24/7, 365 days a year. Sharing your life with someone is hard enough, so do you really want to sign up to be with someone who is so into himself that they will never even notice you, your wants and your desires? 

Robyn:  A guy who focuses only on himself is an insecure man.  In order to make himself feel better about what's lacking within him, he puts on a facade to pretend he's "God's gift."  You do NOT want an insecure, self-absorbed partner.

9.  Mr. "My Kids Are The Only Thing I Care About": This guy is a tricky one. When you first meet him, he is endearing because you admire how dedicated he is to his children. You think to yourself that you would like to be with a man who is that responsible. However, then you start to see that he doesn't have any room for you at all because he is only about the kids. If you are going to be with a man with kids, he needs to want to find a place for you, front and center, in his life at least some of the time.  

Robyn:  Sorry, Samantha, I disagree with you on this one.  A man who really wants a healthy relationship with a woman will find more time to be with her.  He will trip over himself to schedule alone time with her.  It is unhealthy for any parent to make their children the center of their universe.  If you marry this kind of person, you will NEVER be first in his life.  And I do mean never.

10.  Mr. "Dates Other Women Who Mean Nothing To Him": This guy is really a commitment-phobe in disguise. Why does he need to date women who mean nothing to him if he is dating you and you supposedly mean something to him? You do the math. 

Robyn:  A guy who dates other women who mean nothing to him is including you in that statement.

What other types of men would you add to this list?

(c) 2013 Robyn M. Posson.  All Rights Reserved.